filmmaking idea: big cats with a serious cinema camera
I HAVE A CRUSH on a girl i noticed in a Zoom meeting 🙈 but she’s perfect; she’s a surface on which all my desire can rest
breadwinning, being a husband, domestic life, cats, sweetness, chores; then politics, understanding desire, the riddle of war and poverty; what noticing does, what my awareness does ~ a mystery, with everyone publishing everything all the time, and all of us dunking our heads in the electrical storm of talk and commentary
humility ~ how the artistic temperament used to be a thrill, but now it’s a spiritual poverty and also an ongoing annihilation, surrender to the divine and eternal: this was supposed to save me, and maybe make me cool and attractive; i can be defensive over my time and energy; i can be judgmental
but in all my struggles to be a person, i can then see and understand what others are secretly going through, underneath their striving and personal branding
i have to think i am useful, am a plug, and just looking for the right way to plug into the hole; perhaps this moment of connection is always going to be my unreachable horizon
hard to know if this is interesting or reveals anything at all; mostly i’ve made sense of my “trauma” as it were, and am now just…judgmental, but also seeking the divine, the honest, the open and wounded and still marching, the pilgrims for peace who refuse to participate in lies, half-heartedness, “strategy,” and war/genocide; why is there war? Because men don’t know how to be satisfied with themselves, so they have to appear victorious. But no one else is my arbiter; sure, my bank account is FUBAR (f*cked up beyond all recognition; not really; 5k in debt, easily decimated with a loving swipe of somebody’s pen, if someone else decides I’m worthy; ha! Do I contradict myself? I could just participate in marketing other people’s things: founders, entrepreneurs
This crush on this girl has exacerbated hunger and delusions of grandeur.
Nobody wanted me at a company.
So: become wanted, become desired.
But I remember girls I like(d), on their own, looking at the computer, animating the screen with ingredients to believe in her own future.
I think about women and what they want.
Is my purpose to do nothing, be gobsmacked by all that’s survived?
If only my curiosity did anything; well maybe it good; I can accept that PROFITABILITY is the only way to float on; so the Good shall be made Profitable and the Profitable shall be made good…but I wage this war far from the game it seems, on the sidelines.
Cinema cameras pointed at buffalos walking through the snow.
This post is nothing. It’s a timeline cleanser. But I do crave imagination partners. Am I so hard to work with? Am I so difficult? I am just playing with these words, breathing openly, and I offer proof in all my other links that I have been breathing.
Ah, work and desperation; redemption; forgiveness, shame, worthiness ~ yes, this is the vital conversation I’m interested in: why people keep going, what they’re trying to bring together. Only the impossible interests me.
Exercising my fearlessness muscle. Trusting my raw material, whatever shape it is.
How to save my life this time; how to connect myself to others; all these notes from the isolated side. How do I step over? What could you possibly say to me, knowing I am so ardent and eager to jump in, intertwine consciousnesses; I’m dangerous, needy, hungry, want to know and understand everything, want to match my template with yours, and oh I am so eager to attack and destroy, to win.
caressing uncertainty, instability, insecurity